don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
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I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag