WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
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{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
i did the math
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific