“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
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“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
😎 🍻
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.