I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
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A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Not today. 😅
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged