Squirrels before girls.
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Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
a fate I wish upon no one
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Made something I’m not proud of
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Canada has crack?
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
This line from Airplane.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.