Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
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When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.