I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
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I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
this post was so formative to me
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
just gave your address to some spiders
Oh boy, $150,000!
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
#dalle2
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick