I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
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I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Worth the read.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again