The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
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Anyone else having a near life experience today?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”