You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
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At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?