You Might Also Like
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Finally!
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?