[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
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ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
☺️
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It