Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
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I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
This kinda thing happens to me often
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess