7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
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To the max.. 😂
Sound on
good let them take over I have had enough
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
meanwhile over on facebook
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
idk what he going thru but i feel him
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Bill is short for Billiam
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
how was your vacation
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill