Bike is short for Bichael.
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NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.