Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
😬
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Well well well…
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.