Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Gods work.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Pandas 🐼🖤
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin: