Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
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*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175