“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
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I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I see your IQ test came back negative
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…