Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
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Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Nice try, NASA
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
me and my fake scenarios
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day