“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
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i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Me, after a minor inconvenience: