[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
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I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.