A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
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[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.