Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
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Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Now this is how you LinkedIn
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐