[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
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“I’d like to speak with a manager”
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
This is my brand.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.