Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
You Might Also Like
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.