I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
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Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner