I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
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True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I identify as an antique shop.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.