Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
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Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Wise advice
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times