They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
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When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Become a minion. Get that bread.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.