Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Saw online –
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.