Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
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[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
mentally somewhere in italy
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime