There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
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I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?