quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
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I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
I did not eat the cake…
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.