me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
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I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
S M O L
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I was bored.
found my next D&D character name
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Des Moines Police having a normal one
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
[canadians at you, canadianly]
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”