Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
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Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”