Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
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Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Can’t, holding a grudge
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
RT if you could go either way.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.