Me, scrolling to find my birth year
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First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.