The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
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I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
You’ll be OK
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???