I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
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Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel