My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
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JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”