me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
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[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.