My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
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When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.