In banana years, I am bread.
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*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1