I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
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5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*