“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
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“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
i did the math
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn