Every BBC series about the universe.
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”