My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
You Might Also Like
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
much to think about
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??