You Might Also Like
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
a public service announcement
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Can’t. About to go please some beans
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.