Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
You Might Also Like
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
The hardest thing Vision has to do
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Money is the root of all wealth
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them